The Voice is Silenced

The Voice is Silenced

God has blessed me in many ways, one could argue He owed me!  One of the things He’s blessed me with is the way He communicates with me in different ways.  That’s not to say He doesn’t communicate with all of us, but He’s allowed me keep my eyes and ears open for Him and to notice when He’s talking to me.  It can be through reading, music, a beautiful sunset or spring day, a new thought coming to me, speaking to me verbally or in the form of visions.  The visions I receive are kind of like daydreams, I’m awake but my mind receives an image of something that is like a play or movie scene taking place in front of me.  I’ve had several of them and one of the commonalities is that they come when I’m in God’s presence through scripture and prayer.  If there’s one thing I can suggest wholeheartedly is that if you want to experience God in a real way, spend lots of time with Him.  Stay in His presence, keep your eyes and ears focused on Him, and He will speak to you in a number of ways.  You’ll have answers just pop into your head, you’ll start seeing helpful thoughts jump off pages of the Bible, you’ll have lyrics of a song speak to you in new ways, and in some cases you may see visions.  The key is to be consistent, even through hard times when it’s easy to lose focus or give up hope.  It’s a test, God wants to grow your faith but you need to trust Him, and you show Him that trust by staying in communication with Him even when things aren’t going your way.  It’s proof that you believe in Him, you believe in His plan for you, and that you know He will take care of you.

One of my most powerful visions was about my mother...shocker!  I had started writing this book and many revelations started coming to me, I started understanding my mother and myself in new and deeper ways.  A very important thing I started realizing was how my mother’s voice was continuing to live on in my head and control me, with devastating effects.  I knew it was there and that it was a serious issue for me, but I didn’t realize how controlling it was and that her voice was at the center of all my problems.  Every problem I had was tied to her voice inside my head, even issues I had that I believed were the fault of someone or something else was really driven by her negative voice speaking to me or my wanting desperately to avoid that voice.  I lied to people about things I did because I didn’t want her voice saying “I told you so”, I felt terrible about myself because of years of hearing that voice say “You’re a fat ugly loser!”,  I didn’t want to socialize because I didn’t want to give her voice a chance to say “I told you no one would like you”, I didn’t want to take any risks for fear that I’d fail and give her the chance to say “You’re a pathetic loser!”.  It was always about that voice. 

After I spent a week thinking about this concept a very clear vision come to me in two pieces, I’m guessing it came in pieces because God knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it at once.  The first part of it was pretty simple, and didn’t last that long but the importance of it was clear.  My mother and I were standing apart from each other, me seeing it from the side kind of like looking up at a stage with two characters facing each other.  It was dark so you could see mostly just silhouettes but I could still tell it was me and my mother.  I started walking towards her and she started badgering me with insults, the usual “You suck and everyone knows it” type stuff but I kept walking towards her anyway.  What I couldn’t see at first was that there was someone next to me walking with me.  When I got close to her, with her still yelling at me, I held my hand out to the side and said “Mother, I’d like to introduce you to my new friend.  I believe you know Him, His name is Jesus Christ.”

As I said that I turned and you could see Christ standing there looking at her, she had a panicked look on her face as if she knew she was busted.  In this first part of the vision all I heard was Christ saying to her ‘Hello Joan”, and then their voices trailed off as I walked away leaving them there to talk.  At this point I didn’t realize I was going to receive a second part to the vision, but the meaning of just this first part of the vision was very clear to me and I immediately knew the power that it contained.  I had been working for a little while on going to battle against my mother’s voice with God’s help, realizing that her voice was not the voice of God but of the devil in the form of her mental illness.  I started writing down the negative comments her voice would say to me, and then writing down what God’s view would be to try and replace or fend off her negative comments with more positive Godly comments.  This part of the vision was a visual representation of that same idea, I left my mother and her negative comments in the hands of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, good luck to her!

The day after the first part of the vision came to me there was a little part of me that was hoping that Jesus would really stick it to her, it’s like a part of me was cheering Him on saying “Go get her Jesus!”  But it didn’t take but a few seconds for me to snap out of that and know that’s not how the conversation was going.  I had read enough scripture to realize Jesus is about love and forgiveness, not judgment and condemnation.  I had also gone through a process of my own forgiveness of her.  So I knew the conversation between them would be about healing and not retribution, what I didn’t know was that I’d actually see it.

   

About a week later the rest of the vision came to me.  It picked up right where the first part left off, with Jesus saying to her “Hello Joan.”  The rest of the encounter went like this…

Jesus – “Why are continuing to torment John?”

Mother – “He’s a horrible person!  He’s shameful and disgusting!”

Jesus – “That’s not true, John is a child of God.”

Mother – “He’s disgusting! You know what he’s done.”

Jesus – “I know what was done to John, I know what John was the victim of.”

Mother – “It was all his fault!  He’s such a pathetic, fat, ugly shameful boy that your father told me to do it.  He told me John needed to be punished!”

Jesus – “My father would never say that about one of His children, He does not create shameful children.  My father is John’s father, and loves John as He loves me.”

Mother – “I’m his mother!!  I know how terrible John is!  I will never let him forget that!”

Jesus – “The Lord is John’s father first and foremost, and no one speaks of John with more authority then the Lord.”

Jesus – “There is indeed something terrible here Joan, but it is not John and it is not you.”

Jesus then walked over to my mother and touched her, saying…

Jesus - “You are healed”.  

At that point my mother’s body went limp and Jesus caught her in His arms.  As she was falling I could see a dark spirit coming out of her body, it looked like a ghost and came out of her chest .  I could tell it wasn’t leaving voluntarily as her body was being pulled in its direction as it left her, but Jesus was holding onto her and the spirit was forced out of her.  It was floating in the air at this point, a dark ghost like figure without a distinctive face but it was clearly evil.  While it was floating it turned and looked back at Jesus holding onto my mother, not wanting to leave.  The last thing Jesus said was…

Jesus – “Be gone.”

The spirit then left going thru the ground and disappeared.  I looked back at Jesus holding onto my mother who was still limp in His arms.  She wasn’t conscious but I could tell she was breathing.  Jesus then looked towards me and smiled, and ascended into the sky with my mother.   

Needless to say this experience was pretty overwhelming, but the meaning of it was clear.  God was telling me that she was freed from the dark spirit that caused her to do what she did, and drove her to say the things she said to me.  He was letting me know that her words were not His words, that He did not tell her to punish me and did not believe any of those things she said to me.  He was telling me that she was healed, and that He would heal me over time as well.  And most importantly He was telling me that He loved me and always has, and that I am His child and He will protect me from the darkness that had tried to drag me down so often. 

The voice that had tormented me for my whole life had been silenced by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  He had stepped in and protected me from the spirit that had kept me in a state of despair for most of my life.  You may ask why He waited so long, why didn’t God just step in sooner, help me out when I was much younger.  But He was waiting for me, it was me that wasn’t listening while He was trying to talk to me.  Every time He saved me, God was waiting for me to look towards Him so that he could talk to me.  I had to turn my eyes and ears towards God to receive the messages He wanted me to hear.  By spending time with Him thru scripture and prayer, He had a way to communicate with me.  If we’re not willing to listen, we can’t blame Him for not talking to us.  It’s not God’s fault that these things happened to me, my mother was controlled by a spirit she couldn’t break herself from.  And while she was “religious” and went to church and prayed, she was only hearing the messages she wanted to hear, she was only listening to the dark spirit which twisted God’s words and led her astray.  And for decades I turned away from Him, continuing to believe what she told me and assuming that her words were true.  I spent years believing God hated me, I wasn’t listening to Him but instead put my mother’s voice before His.  But God faithfully waited for me to turn my eyes up to the Lord, and He was there waiting for me and ready to pull me out of the darkness I was in.  As I spent time with Him the Lord spoke to me, and He let me know the truth. 

A week in the life of an abuse survivor

My goal here is to describe the thoughts that go thru my mind when I struggle, to offer some insight into what abuse does to someone's mind.  If you are a survivor and have similar thoughts I hope you find some comfort in that you are not alone, and maybe you can find some encouragement in the experiences I have had.  If you have someone in your life that is a survivor maybe this can offer you some insight into why we act differently in certain situations.


This is definitely not a pity party, I don't want or deserve one.  We all have crosses to bear and mine are no worse then any others.  My wounds are deep, no doubt, but the person who caused them died 34 years ago and I have to take responsibility for not opening my eyes to the healing power of God's love until recently.  I ignored Him for decades and I payed the price, only by exposing my wounds to the healing power of His love will I recover, better late then never but I took a long time to figure that one out.

This is also most definitely not particularly fun, there are parts of this story that are downright embarassing.  But my wounds need to be exposed to God openly, and by sharing them and letting them free they will no longer control me.  Only by hiding and isolating myself can the devil control me, those days are over. He will continue to try and use my past against me to slow me down, to take me off my path towards God, but I have a mighty warrior on my side and He will not fail me.

A quick summary of my issues is probably in order, for those who may not know.  Starting when I was 4 or 5 years old my mother physically and mentally abused me, it lasted until I was 11 when she killed herself.  She was no longer able to live with herself, she couldn't stop herself so in an attempt to protect me from further damage she took her life.  Unfortunately the damage was done.  The memories were so devastating that I blocked them for about a decade, during my teen years I had no recollection of what happened, but I knew I was broken, I just didn't know why.  What I've realized over the years is that it was the mental abuse that did far more damage. It has molded how I feel about myself, it has left me with a degree of self doubt and self hatred that I wouldn't wish on anyone.  

So what does "mental abuse" mean? In my case what it consisted of is my mother teaching me to hate myself, to think of myself as a complete failure and unworthy of love.  How does one do that you might be asking....or maybe not.....doesn't really matter cause I'm going to tell you anyway :)  These are the types of things she would tell me every day:
"No one will ever love you"
"You are pathetic, disgusting loser"
"If you tell anyone about what we do together they will know how disgusting and horrible you are"
"This is all your fault, its happening because even God hates you and refuses to protect you"
"I'm the only one that will ever love you"
"Everyone hates you, they put up with you because you are so pathetic. But if you ever do anything wrong they'll never talk to you again"
"You are a horrible, ugly, disgusting, fat loser and an embarassment to everyone that knows you"
"Everyone that knows you would be better off if you were never born"
"No one else will ever love you, you are too pathetic to be loved, I'm the only one that would ever put up with you enough to be with you"
"If you are ever with anyone else you will be cheating on me. Are you going to cheat on your own mother?"

Thats enough to give you the idea, I'm sure you notice a theme! Not exactly empowering and encouraging.  What's worse is that she trained me to tell myself these same things.  I can still remember sitting in my bedroom repeating these same words to myself day after day, hour after hour, over and over again until they were so embedded in my brain that they became subconscious.  And once that kind of self hatred is subconscious it affects your whole life.  An image I often use to understand how my mind works is that I see the world thru colored lenses, the tint decides how I internalize what happens in my life.  A rose colored lens would have me seeing the world in a positive, encouraging way.  A dark lens leaves me seeing everything in a negative way, glass half empty, that has been me most of my life. 

When you are convinced that you are a horrible person its hard to be super confident, or even the slightest bit confident. The area of my life this has had the greatest impact is my personal life, which probably isn't surprising considering the source.  You know that saying that no one will love you if you don't love yourself, ding ding ding they nailed that one! You'd think I was living my life trying to prove that correct.  So long story short my personal life has been a complete disaster, and every rejection served to reinforce what my mother told me and convinced me she was correct.  

Funny thing is that the answer was right in front of me all along, and I refused to see it. The answer is God, His love for me, His forgiveness, His ability to take my shame from me,  His healing power.  When I finally became a believer in God and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, I was immediately struck with the understanding that God loves me and has deemed me worthy, that His love is so overwhelming that He gave up His Son for my salvation, that He has a plan for me and a purpose for my life, and that He will look out for me and guide my steps to fulfilling that purpose. It was a moment that changed my life, as it changed the color of the lens with which I look at the world. He has given me a new life, He has given me a purpose and a reason to live, and He has told me that my life has meaning and that I'm one of His creations...and that He doesn't make mistakes.  

But that doesn't mean my past has disappeared, or that all my memories just vanished.  We all have our struggles, those weaknesses that haunt us, and this is mine.  I will always struggle with self doubt and hatred, my mothers voice will probably never leave my head, and the devil will always have this to attack me with.  And one thing I've noticed since being baptized is that whenever I make a significant step in the right direction towards God I get tested by these old demons.  Negative thoughts start creeping into my mind, self doubt takes over, the decisions I feel like God is calling me to make start looking like things I can't do, or I'll fail at.  I have this terrible habit of imagining conversations with people, and all the devil has to do is plant the wrong conversations in my daydreaming mind and off I go to doubting myself.  Here's how it usually happens, and yes the fact that its coming up on Valentine's Day doesn't help.
"So John what are you doing for Valentine's Day?"
"Nothing"
"What do you mean? Don't you have a Valentine?"
"Ha! Good one, thats funny. No, those types of things don't happen to me."
"Ok, so how's work?"
"Lousy, seems like no matter what I do and how hard I work its never good enough."
"Well that doesn't sound fair."
"My boss hates me, nothing I do changes that."
I really need a new hobby!

So you can see how easily I can slip into a negative state of mind where I would doubt myself and my ability to accomplish the dreams God has placed in my head. And this started happening to me a few weeks ago.  I've been mulling over some major decisions, next steps I believe God is calling me to make. And here comes the negative talk in my head, the doubts, the questions.  But I am slowly learning that my God won't let me be tested alone, and won't let me face problems without the solution being made available to me.  Each time this has happened He has helped me thru the test, He was using the test to teach me something, there was a lesson I needed to learn thru this trial and He was going to let me see it as long as I stayed in his presence. No matter how I felt I stayed the course, I kept reading scripture, I kept praying and I kept asking Him for help.  I prayed for the strength to get thru this latest test, and most importantly I thanked Him for this opportunity to grow and stretch my faith.  That prayer made a big difference for me as it put me in the mindset to look for the lesson, to accept that He is in control and was using this rough patch for good.  Slowly the lessons started coming, scripture started leaping out at me, positive thoughts started entering my mind and I started fighting back against the negative thoughts that had invaded my brain.  

These are just some of the more memorable moments:
Driving to work one morning I was listening to Rend Collective and the song "Joy" which I love!  I've listened to this song 50 times at least, but there's a line in there that I never noticed before, until this one morning.  The song was playing and I heard a voice say "Listen", and this is the lyric I heard "The dark is just a canvas for your grace and brightness".  This may not sound like much, but it meant the world to me that morning.  What is meant to me is that the dark times in my life are not without purpose, they are forming me into the person God needs me to be.  God shines brightest in those that are broken, His greatest glory comes from shining His light into the darkness and showing us the way out, and He has done that for me. Psalms 147:3 says "He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds". It is thru this healing that God shows his greatness, those of us are broken provide the opportunity for His light to shine.  I was so overwhelmed by His presence that I cried the rest of the drive into work.  This is just one of the lessons He showed me this week, I needed this particular reminder that we learn and grow when times are tough, and that I needed to keep praising Him in all things because He is using everything that happens in my life for good. He is leading me to where He needs me to be.

One of the daily devotionals I read is from Tony Dungy, called Uncommon Life. During this week two very important messages jump off the page.  The first spoke directly to the decisions I've been mulling over, and said simply that if dreams enter your mind in the process of seeking God's will and purpose for your life you should follow them.  He would not have placed them in your heart if they weren't important.  The scripture he pointed to is Romans 12:2, which speaks of letting God transform us and change our minds so that we can see His will for us, which is good and pleasing and perfect. This is exactly what had been happening to me, He has placed dreams in my mind that were showing me His will for me.   But the negative thoughts I started having were causing me to doubt whether I was capable of pulling it off.  This simple passage was a reminder of who is in charge, and whom I've committed my life to serving.  It gave me the confidence to realize that God had planted these dreams in my head, and that it was my job to make them a reality in order to serve Him.  It also helped me put my life into a different perspective, that I have very deep wounds that need to heal. That God is the only one that can heal me, but it will take time.  And while that process is taking place He will use this situation for good and move me in a direction that requires me to give Him my full attention. 

The other passage from Uncommon Life that moved me was about how to define success.  Dungy wrote of his first book and the temptation to worry about how many copies it sold.  But he realized that success had to be measured in how he was living his life and whether he was fulfilling God's purpose for him.  The scripture he pointed to was Isaiah 55:8-9 which speaks of His way being higher then our ways, and His thoughts being higher then our thoughts. It caused me to think about my life in a different way, I had been letting negativity get into my head by defining myself as a failure because of my difficulties in my personal life.  Its easy to do in our culture, I realize that I'm an oddball in a world that assumes everyone should have been married a few times by my age.  Its easy to define myself a failure based on my facebook status, but thats not God's definition.  I have one standard to live up to, God's, and He doesn't really care about my facebook status.  He cares about whether I'm seeing this world thru His eyes, and working to fulfill His purpose for me in this life, and whether I'm bringing scripture to life thru my actions and demonstrating to others what He has done for me by letting Him transform me into something greater.  That is my only standard, and that is the only thing that will decide whether my life is a success or not.

Another message that jumped out at me along this week was that my body and mind is a gift from God, it is not mine to do whatever I want with.  In order to stay on the right track and serve Him best I need to keep my mind moving in the right direction.  These fights with negativity slow me down, cause me to doubt myself and pull my eyes away from God.  In order to get the most out of the days He gives me I need to be mentally sharp and in a positive mindset.  I need to put the rose colored lens on and keep it there. The next day I woke up with a vision of a war raging between good and evil, God and satan, in the form of my mind and who rules over it.  I have declared war on my negative thoughts as they are the only thing that can keep me from seeing myself as God sees me, and the only thing that will stop me from fulfilling His purpose for me.  The first battle started that morning, I decided to stop whatever i was doing when negative thoughts entered my mind and write them down.  Then I would write down what God's words would be on that subject, immediately replacing the negative thought with God's view of me.  You see I have realized that these negative thoughts are not from God, and whatever isn't from God can be ignored. 
Here is an example:
Thoughts turning negative with all the stress of the list of items to complete at work, anxiety building as to my ability to finish and people getting mad at me.  The old challenges of valuing myself if I'm not perfect, if I'm not perfect people will hate me so my tension level rises.  God says I'm doing my best and He will take care of everything, I need not worry because He will provide all I need and He'll take care of everything and bring me all that is meant to be.  He tells me not to worry, that everything will get done because He is with me and I need not stress.
If I am to fulfill the purpose He has for me I need to see myself as He does.  I need to see myself with His loving eyes, and realize that He's planned out my steps because He knows I can succeed.  If I see myself with my mother's eyes I'll never live up to what He needs me to be, and that would be a sin against His vision of me.  He has a role for me to play in His great symphony, and in order to play my part I need to let Him be the master of my mind.

Even though I had a rough few weeks, I have learned some very important lessons. He has helped me fight against the negative thoughts to move forward with the plans for my next steps, with the confidence that He placed these dreams in my head to lead me in the direction He needs me to go.  He has shown me how to measure myself, by His standards and not by worldly standards.  He has shown me how to replace negative thoughts with His thoughts, to accept His vision of me as one of His children that He loves and has great plans for.  It has been a difficult few weeks but well worth it, He has set my course and placed my next steps in front of me.  Not a bad week!

John 9

There are many times when I am reading sections of scripture and my mind starts painting a picture of what is happening, my mind seems to like thinking of it a a play on a stage.  I think it comes from Mr. Horatio, a 5th grade teacher I had that would read Shakespeare to us.  But not just read it, he would act it out in front of us giving life to the words.  Ever since then I enjoy reading Shakespeare, yes I will voluntarily read Shakespeare :)
So I start with a play going on in my head, and then my mind starts injecting modern language into the play, and then you add a distorted sense of humor and you end up with stuff that some may find blasphemy! I mean who am I to write my own version of a story out of the bible, a good question for sure.  I can assure you there is no disrespect intended, just the opposite.  Jesus has entered my life and saved me, I am nothing and would have nothing without Him.  There are just times when I read parts of the bible and find the situations worthy of another look, a different take if you will.
Whenever I read John 9 a whole scene burts forth into my head, and I finally wrote it down, enjoy :)

Jesus and his disciples passed a man blind since birth.

Disciples: Rabbi who sinned this man or his parents?  We need to know who to pass judgement on, ya know, for closure?

Jesus: (muttering to himself) So much to teach, so little time.

Jesus: This was not the work of sin, but that the works of God may be displayed. We must work the works of He who sent me while it is still day, night is coming.  As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.

Disciples: Yes of course, we knew that!

Disciple 1 to Disciple 2: Dude, did you get that?  He lost me.

Disciple 2 to Disciple 1: I was really hoping you knew what he was talking about! Just nod and say "Yes Rabbi" a lot.

Jesus placed mud in the blind man's eyes and told him to wash his eyes, and he came back with sight.

His neighbors saw him and questioned whether it was the same man who had been blind just minutes before.

Neighbor 1: Nah, can't be him, who is this guy?

Blind Man: Bob, its me, we've known each other our whole life!

Neighbor 2: I'm not buying it, that dude was blind, nope you must be an imposter pretending to be a guy who used to be blind.

Blind Man: Really Joe, really? Thats the best you got? I'm walking around pretending to be a guy who used to be blind that just so happens to look exactly like the blind man you've been passing by your whole life? Seriously!?!?

Neighbor 2: Why you mad Bro?

Neighbor 1: Ok ok so how can you see now?

Blind Man: A man named Jesus healed me, he put mud in my eyes and when I washed my face I could see.

Neighbor 2: So where is he now?

Blind Man: I was blind when he put the mud in my eyes remember, how am I supposed to know where he went!

Neighbor 1: Good point.

The Pharisees heard the ruckus and came to save the day!

Pharisee 1: Stay calm and bow to our brilliance!

Blind Man: I don't have a good feeling about this.

Pharisee 1 to Blind Man: So you are telling me that this man, you call Jesus, healed you of your blindness on the Sabbath? 

Blind Man: Well, I was blind and now I see, and it happens to be the Sabbath....so I guess the answer is yes.

Pharisee 1: Then he disobeyed the law, he is a sinner and not of God!

Pharisee 2: Dude, keep it down, lets think about this.  Its not like you can cure a blind man. You have to admit this is pretty remarkable.  Who cares what day it is?

Pharisee 1: Dude, ever heard of a unified front? Go with me on this, its the Sabbath, the book says no works on the Sabbath, there's no addendum for the Son of God!

Blind Man: This is sounding like a you problem.

Pharisee 1: Silence!

Blind Man: Just sayin'.

Pharisee 2: Lets at least talk to his parents, they are right over there, maybe we can get to the bottom of this.

Pharisee 1 to Parents: Are you the parents of this disrespectful heathen that mocks us, says he was blind and now sees, this dirty rotten scoundrel of a Pharisee mocker?!?!?

Parents: He's adopted.

Pharisee 1: Was he always blind?

Parents: Can we consult with a lawyer first?

Pharisee 2: No!

Parents: All we're willing to commit to is that he was visually challenged, but he's a grown man so talk to him, gotta run, buh bye.

Pharisee 1 to Blind Man: Tell us again how you now see?

Blind Man: Did you not hear me the first time?  Why do you want to hear it again, do you also want to be his disciple?

Pharisee 2: We are disciples of Moses! We know God spoke to Moses, but this man we don't even know where he's from!

Blind Man: So if I get you his address we'll be all good?

Pharisee 1: Blasphemer!!!!!

Blind Man: But what about his acts, who has heard of a man born blind being cured before this?  How can this not be a man of God?

Pharisee 1: Don't go injecting logic into this discussion!

Blind Man: C'mon Man! 

Pharisee 2: Sinner! You are have been voted off the island!

Blind Man: No big loss there, later!

Jesus heard of the blind man being cast off and found him.

Jesus to Blind Man: Do you believe in the Son of Man?

Blind Man: Lord I believe.

Jesus: I have come so that those who do not see may see, and those that see may become blind.

Pharisee 1: So does that mean we are blind Mr "Son of Man" guy?

Jesus: If you were blind you would be without guilt, but because you say "We see" your guilt remains.

Pharisee 1 to Pharisee 2: Dude, pretty sure he's mocking us but he lost me.  Did you get that?

Pharisee 2:  I was really hoping you knew what he was talking about!

 

Do I Look Fat in this Robe?

As I move thru this spiritual journey I come to certain moments of clarity, breakthroughs if you will.  As young as I am on this journey, I realize these are not earth shattering discoveries or ones that most Christians haven't already made.  If nothing else I may be able to entertain you or just remind you of something you already know, but we all need reminders at times.

  

As my life started turning in a positive direction I spent a lot of time working on myself, with Gods help changing the way my mind worked.  Going from being glass half empty to glass half full, from feeling like a victim to feeling blessed for all I have, from feeling unworthy to feeling the wonder of Gods unending love.  It was time well spent, but it put me in a place where I was thinking about myself all the time, thinking about how everything impacted me, thinking about why I couldn't change faster, everything was about me.

 

But this was a very comfortable place for me to be.  You see I've been a bit of a mess my whole life, in fact if you look up "hot mess" in the dictionary you'll see my picture!  So I've spent most of my years realizing I was different, and not in a good way, and trying to understand why.  I became very used to looking at life thru the lens of how things impacted me, life became all about me and why I was reacting a certain way to things.  I became obsessed with self analysis, it was under the guise of improving myself but it was still a selfish way to go thru life.

  

One of the things that always bothered me about myself was that there was an image I had of myself that wasn't coming to fruition, the real me that was locked inside the fear and anxiety that I was suffering from.  I was constantly trying to understand why I couldn't let that person out, why shame and guilt was keeping that person from coming to the surface.  And I was still struggling with it this summer as I was once again focusing too much on myself and what was wrong with me.     

Simply put I got carried away, I had gotten to a point where I needed to stop being so singular minded, after all Jesus didn't spend his life thinking about himself. I was sitting at work, knew something was wrong, and I stared out the window for a few minutes....thankfully no one else was at work yet.  I closed my eyes and started praying for guidance. I started thinking about one of the main themes of New Life Church being service to others, about Jesus' driving message being to help those that are less fortunate and loving your neighbors as he would love them, and I realized how different my mindset was to that, and how being self absorbed was not getting me more like Jesus or closer to God. Then I was given an image, a vision of Jesus that really brought home a very important lesson I desperately needed. 

The vision was of Jesus, in his robe standing in front of a mirror, standing to the side looking over his shoulder at himself.  As he stood there he said to himself, and yes my visions have soundtracks....its my vision!, and he said to himself "Do I look fat in this robe?" Thats right, I said it!  I was immediately hit with the realization of what this meant....that is after I stopped giggling.  But I was giggling because it seemed ridiculous that Jesus would say that, but thats the point, he would NEVER say that.  He would never be so self absorbed to spend the time thinking about something as trivial as that.  His mind was focused on helping others to the point that he sacrificed himself for the forgiveness of all our sins, that is the purest definition of service to others and loving all your neighbors as God loves them.  

It was time for me to flip the script, to change how I looked at the world, and to start small with my immediate surroundings.  I started thinking consciously about taking every interaction I had during a day and looking at it from the perspective of the other person.  How can I make that person's day better, make them laugh, feel better, console them, understand them, listen to them,  let them know that I care about them and want to help them.  The point being to take the focus off myself and put it where it belonged, on other people.  

At this point many of you are probably thinking, well no kidding Sherlock what did you think life was about?!  May I remind you that I never claimed to be a brain surgeon! Some things take me a while, better late then never :)

Many things started making more sense, the value of serving others and how we get closer to God by helping other people, the fact that we're not meant to travel our paths alone but with the help of each other, and the real meaning of the scripture that its more blessed to give then to receive.  But another amazing thing started happening, the more I thought of others the more the real person that had been locked inside of me started coming to the surface.  The less I focused on myself, the more progress I made in terms of being the person I wanted to be....what a concept!  This is pretty mindboggling for a stubborn simple minded guy like myself, but I immediately realized this was paramount in me becoming a better christian.

But the story doesn't end there, as with most things in life there are bumps in the road. For the second time, soon after I made a significant step towards God I was challenged and my faith was tested.  A series of bad things happened to people around me and I started asking myself questions like "Why did that have to happen? Why are people I care about suffering?"  This weakened me to the point where negativity started creeping back into my mind, old habits started re-appearing and I started focusing on myself.  The questions became "Why am I struggling?  Why don't I get those breaks? Why is my job so frustrating?" 

 

Satan was tempting me, challenging the strength of my resolve and my ability to get my focus back where it needed to be.  Thankfully I have God on my side, and he provided me the messages I needed to hear.  I'm currently reading several different books, thanks to generous friends and baptism gifts! A common theme started appearing over and over, a theme I needed to get me back on track.  The message was that I needed to focus on God and praise him at all times.  That I needed to trust that everything that happens is a part of God's plan and to question "why" is to question Him.  Rather then questioning why I don't have something praise him for providing my friends with good things and providing me with everything I need, rather then question why I'm having problems at work praise God for providing me clear signs that I need to move on, rather then be impatient with my life be grateful that He will provide all things on His schedule, instead of worrying about what I can't do anymore praise Him for what I still can do.  

Put my attention to God and living in the present, appreciate all He has done for me and have faith that he will provide all that I need. Strong faith in His plan removes fear, removes the questions, removes the "why's" because I know why things happen....everything that happens is part of his plan for me and has happened on purpose to bring me closer to the person He wants me to be. Job's faith kept him from questioning, worrying, fearing...Job never lost trust in God and always believed that whatever happened was part of His plan.  

Life will always present challenges, having faith doesn't mean bad things won't happen, having faith provides the strength to withstand life's challenges.  And focusing on others and my relationship with God puts my focus where it needs to be and removes anxiety about what will happen next. And I now have an image in my mind that will always remind me to focus on others, an image of Jesus looking at himself in the mirror asking "Do I look fat in this robe?" 

Message to my new friends at New Life Church!

Hello New Lifers! For those I haven't had the chance to meet, my name's John and I've been attending the Linton Hall campus for a few months.  First thing I'd like to say is thanks to the wonderful community of people at New Life, its been an amazing experience and there couldn't be a better group of people to share my spiritual journey with.

 

I've recently made the decision to get baptized and I wanted to share my testimony as to how I got to this point, what coming back to God has meant to me,  and why I made this decision.  We recently heard a sermon about being bold, and I'm going to be boldly honest, so if you are squeemish about challenging personal stories this may not be the post for you...on the bright side it does have a happy ending!

I guess the first thing I should mention is what baptism means to me.  In my mind its not a finish line, its a starting line.  I am making a commitment to spending the rest of my life joyously praising and serving God, who has saved my life, given me hope and purpose, and has made all things possible thru Him.  The decision for me to make this commitment was a very easy one, due to the overwhelming changes that I've gone thru since He saved my life a few months ago.  Everyone's path is different, and mine isn't unique but I thought it was worth sharing.

A mere 3 months ago I was in an extremely dark place, I reached an all time low which for me is really saying something because I thought I had already hit that point.  I had let life get to me, was in the grips of severe depression and was seeing life thru the filter of negativity.  I was letting health problems cause me to feel like a victim, was letting a difficult childhood fill me with shame and self hatred, and saw no way out or any chance of things getting better.  I felt so unworthy that I isolated myself, I was afraid to experience life and meet new people for fear they’d find me as disgusting as I found myself. I got to the point where I decided there was no point, no point to go on as there was no chance of things getting better.  And I spent a Sunday morning researching the best way to kill myself, and had it all planned out with the day and time picked out.

Then a funny thing happened, I got really mad at myself.  I became furious at myself for letting things get to me like that, letting life turn me into an ugly monster on the inside.  For fans of the Penny Dreadful series, I was feeling a strong kinship to the Frankenstein monster when he spoke about realizing that he had become as ugly on the inside as he had always felt he appeared on the outside.  But the anger I felt that day brought me to a breaking point, I gave myself two choices, quit complaining and whining and just get it over with, or make the commitment that day to make the changes necessary to make the rest of my life better than the first 45 years of my life.  

Since I'm writing this its obvious which choice I made, thankfully.  I didn't realize it at the time, didn't understand where I got that energy from to put on the brakes as my mental train hurled down the tracks to an abyss, but now I clearly understand that God intervened when I needed him the most.  He was always waiting for me, and I made him wait too long but thankfully He's patient and was always there for me. He helped me realize there was another choice to make, and he gave me one last chance to turn to him and turn my life over to him.   

I knew what changes I had to make, I just didn't know how to make them.  That is until I visited New Life for the first time.  A dear friend of mine was suggesting I give it a try, and I was at the point where I thought what could it hurt, its not like I was batting 1.000 at life doing it my way!  I hesitated once or twice, but I got myself there, and nothing has been the same since.  The sermon that first week was on shame, a topic I am intimately aware of.  What struck me was the act of writing down what we're ashamed of on a piece of paper, putting it in a basket, and handing it over to God.  I remember thinking, “you can do that?  Wow this God guy is pretty cool!”  I walked out of the service that day knowing I had found a home, and knew my life wouldn't be the same.  In the following few weeks I started reading the bible, thinking about my life in different ways, and I came to the undeniable conclusion that I was a believer.  I was able to say that I believe in God, that He loves me so much that He sent His only son to live among men to save us, that He has a plan for me and will make sure whatever is meant to happen will happen, and will provide all I need.

That assertion changed everything for me.  How can I find myself unworthy and shameful if God loves me so much that His son gave his life for me.  How could I feel like a victim when God saved my life and helped me realize how lucky I am to be alive and how blessed I am.  How could I be envious of what others can do and have, when I know that God will look out for me and provide all I need.  How could I feel anxious about the future when I know that God has a plan for me that will lead me in the right direction.  And while I don't have all the answers and I don't know exactly what He has in store for me, I have faith in His infinite wisdom and His plan for me, and I look forward to seeing what unfolds.  Quite a change in a few months, how blessed am I!!

Saving my life and giving me a whole new outlook on life would have been enough, but God wasn't done providing me gifts.  He had another one in store that I still can't believe.  My shame and self loathing came from my mother and things she did to me starting when I was 4 or 5 years old.  I won't elaborate, probably don't need to, safe to say it involves things no mother should be doing to a child.  But even worse then what was done, was what she taught me to believe about myself.  That I was shameful, unloveable, unworthy, pathetic, ugly....you get the idea.  Unfortunately I'm a very good student, and that stuck with me my whole life.  My solution to my past was trying not to think about it, it was too painful.  Any thoughts of her were surrounded by anger and hatred for what she did.  I hadn't dealt with my past and I was letting it define me, and was letting her description of me become my description of me.  I knew I had to let it go and take responsibility for defining who I am, but wasn't quite sure how to do that until there was that sermon on forgiveness.

That was a tough one for me, I felt like a zombie after that one, because I immediately knew that I had to forgive her to move on with my life.  So I prayed for guidance and help, and low and behold I was given the vision to understand my past in a much different way.  The vision of a monster that was trying to hurt me was replaced by a vision of a woman that was severely mentally ill that was trying desperately to stop herself.  My eyes and heart opened to see that she tried everything she could to stop herself, finally taking her own life in a final desperate attempt to protect me from her. 

 Once God opened my eyes I was able to reach out to my mother thru prayer and tell her that I forgive her and that I love her.  The instant I said those words I was given another gift, a vision that will stay with me forever.  I saw my mother’s soul floating a few feet off the ground, held down by chains on each wrist.  At the base of each chain was a cement block with the words Shame painted on one and Guilt painted on the other.  As soon as I said the words I forgive you and love you, the chains broke and Gods hand reached down and lifted her soul to heaven.  And that is the image that I will have of my mother for the rest of my life.

Needless to say the last 3 months have been remarkable.  God has saved my life, changed my entire outlook on life, replaced feelings of unworthiness with love, replaced anxiety with excitement about the future, replaced feelings of despair with gratitude for all I’ve been blessed with, and feelings of hatred and shame about my past with feelings of forgiveness and an appreciation that with Gods help anything is possible.  Having said all that how could I possibly question whether to get baptized?  It was an easy decision for me to commit myself to serving God the rest of my life, He has saved my life and given me a new outlook on life and I will joyously praise Him and serve Him the rest of my life!

I apologize for the difficult read, but my honesty was with a purpose.  I want all those who get to that dark place, or those that have unfortunately suffered thru similar trials, to know that there is a way out of the darkness.  There is no place you can't recover from, there is no place so dark that He can't find you, there is no span of time away from Him that will cause Him to forget about you.  Anything is possible with God's help, He is the light and the way.  With one small step in His direction He will lead you the rest of the way!